Downsizing

Sometimes things don’t work out the way you planned. No matter how hard you work at that plan and all the blood, sweat, and tears that were put into that plan, sometimes it still doesn’t matter. If it’s not meant to be, it will not be.

However, if it’s meant to be, than it will be…or so I’m told. Even when you know that God has other plans for you, it’s still hard to follow that plan when you feel like you’re totally in the dark. I’m sure others out there can relate to this mentality…or as least I’m hoping that’s true so I don’t feel so alone.

A year ago, I had the wonderful experience of opening my storefront of MCA and it was wonderful. I loved decorating that space. I loved showing my clients every part of it. And I loved that my mom had a strong presence there. I was so proud of my little office space that I was able to build and create, all on my own. I had every corner of that office space dedicated to something special: a theme, a memory, a moment. Everything was planned out and it was beautiful.

But now, things have changed.

I have had to make the very emotional decision to end my lease for my office space for MCA. Over many tears and long conversations with people I hold dear, I had to come to the conclusion that I could no longer afford that rental space. While that makes me feel like a total loser to admit, it doesn’t make it any less true.

I have tried and tried and tried to make it work, but when you’re drowning in medical bills, it doesn’t matter how much you try. Those bills will bury you. When you have to go in weekly for bloodwork to make sure your liver isn’t trying to kill you and it’s not covered by insurance, it’s amazing how quickly it adds up. As well as, when you need a B12 shot weekly in order to walk without a cane, that’s also not covered by insurance, that adds up, too. It all adds up to the point where you can no longer afford it.

And I am gritting my teeth as I write this blog. The anger I feel, the resentment I have, the emotional toll that my health has taken on me….

There are times I find myself so angry at the Lord. I selfishly yell at him often that this “isn’t fair”. As if I have any say in what’s “fair” or not. My goodness. How ridiculous of me….there are so many other people out there struggling with far worse things than I am dealing with. (My mind goes back to my 9/11 trip and reliving what all those people had to survive…how selfish of me to complain about my health problems.)

But still, I am human and my health is a never ending struggle.

I do my best to smile, and show up, and work hard, and pretend that I’m okay, but no one will ever know how hard it is to be sick with an invisible disease, unless you have one.

Luckily, I am excellent at smiling and pretending. I would argue that I’m a blackbelt in that. If that was ever a category…hehe…

Unfortunately, that’s just part of life, I think. Pretending? Pretending that you’re happy. Pretending that you’re okay. Pretending. Pretending. Pretending.

But the reality is, you can’t “pretend” your way through your health.

You can for a little bit. That’s true. I’ve done that. I’ve pretended that things were okay for a very long time when in fact they were not, but eventually, your body will fail you. When you have health issues, your body will FORCE you to stop pretending and realize that you actually have a real problem on your hands. Your body will shut down and not give a f*ck about what you are lying to yourself about, and it feels defeating.

Do you know how hard it has been for me to admit defeat? I still don’t think I’ve done that, to be honest. Because it’s not in me. But then my body will quickly remind me that it will shut down on it’s own, no matter what I think or feel or want. When my body is over it, it doesn’t give a shit about what my mind wants, or what bills I have. It does not care.

For example, when it’s cold, my body aches like you can’t believe. I feel like an 80 year old woman with arthritis in every inch of my body, even though the “doctors” say it’s not arthritis, it’s lupus. When it gets really cold, I can’t walk on my own, and I have to bust out my stupid f*cking cane that I hate with a passion. How embarrassing. I am only 36 years old and I need a cane to walk sometimes. (It’s not exactly awesome to put that on a tinder profile…)

It’s a tough pill to swallow and I no longer care what anyone thinks about that. Especially if you are someone who has never had to struggle with this stuff. People have NO IDEA how hard it is.

That always makes me giggle…the people who have opinions on something they know nothing about. It’s always easy to give advice on something you’ve never had to deal with. It’s like people giving advice on raising kids, who’ve never had children. hehehehehehe

But when you have your own body fighting against you, it’s a total mindf*ck that I’ve never been prepared for. And I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I struggle with this. I hate all of it. It’s not fun. And I wish there was a magic pill for it all but, as of yet, I haven’t found it. And I’ve tried a lot of things. I’ve lost 100 pounds, I’ve switched to totally clean eating, I workout daily, I go to therapy, I have a team of doctors, etc. I’ve tried everything, but the fact is that I have lupus and it dictates everything…including my livelihood.

So, in order to be able to afford my health expenses, I’ve had to downsize. No matter how much that makes me grit my teeth, it’s the truth. I can’t afford my lease anymore, so I had to get out of it.

I’ve begun the grueling process of taking everything out of my office. Every beautiful piece I had in place that meant something, every moment of happiness, every single ounce of enjoyment….I’ve had to begin tearing down. And it has been heartwrenching. I wish I was stronger as I’m writing this so I could pretend that it hasn’t been so sad, but that would be a lie. Moving out of this space has been horribly, horribly sad for me. Sadder than I can even convey.

Luckily, I have the most loyal and understanding clientele that a girl could ever ask for. Before I made the decision to move, I spoke to them about it and they all confirmed that they didn’t care where I was located, they still wanted to just come see me.

And that validation is what helped me hang on.

PS. Don’t take kindness lightly. The kindness that has been shown to me from friends and customers is what’s helped me hang on. Don’t ever think that kindness doesn’t matter. It matters more than most people know.

Due to that kindness, I was able to find peace in the idea of downsizing. I decided to just turn my living room in my house to my new studio space for my business and I’m hopeful that it will all work out.

While I am fighting the intrusive thoughts that I’m a failure and a loser for having to make this move, I am trying to remind myself that not everyone understands the financial burden my health has put on me. I am a single mother, with no help, and sometimes the reality is just not that pretty. Things don’t always go the way you wanted them too or the way you planned.

But then, again, I am reminded of God’s love and how His plan is always far greater than mine. Granted, sometimes this can be frustrating. Believe me! It’s always frustrating when you can’t see the light at the tunnel, but I do know it’s there. I know that. I know He has a plan and I wouldn’t be where I’m at if it wasn’t part of His plan, but that doesn’t make it easy.

Who knows! Maybe moving my business back into my house will end up being a great thing! Maybe a year from now I will finally be able to afford all my medical needs, get some of those bills out of collections, and not be gasping for air every time I wake up in the morning. I’m hoping that’s the plan here, anyways.

I’m hoping that by downsizing, I’ll be able to focus on my health but still be able to help people. I HAVE to be able to help people. It’s in my blood. It’s why I became a teacher…but then my health took that away from me, too, so I couldn’t do that anymore either. But helping people is in my DNA, buried deep within my soul.

My biggest fear in the world is that I won’t be able to help anyone before my disease kills me. I fear that I won’t have any effect on anyone after I leave this earth. And that feeling is crippling. I HAVE to help.

Helping people gives me a purpose. And that feeling is so important to someone, like me, who is on bed rest often and struggles with self-worth because of her health issues. It’s not fun to be sick, you guys. You feel so useless, so worthless, and so unwanted. Often times I feel like an invalid and that feeling is overwhelming. I need to have a purpose. I need to be able to help someone. I need to know that once I’m gone, there is someone out there who can say that I helped them. If that happens, then I know I’ve fulfilled my purpose. I need that. And I’m trying desperately to fulfill that need. Because people need help and I want to go down in history as a helper.

So, I am still going to continue helping people, the best way I know how, but from my home, instead of where my office was located. I am still going to be able to treat clients and hopefully continue to make them feel good about themselves. I am still running my business, but just downsizing the location, to my cute little studio in my house….and it’s adorable. Maybe downsizing will have its perks!

While I am emotional about all of this, I still have hope. I have faith in God’s plan and I wouldn’t be doing any of this if it hadn’t been a sign from Him. Sometimes, again, things just don’t go the way we planned. And that’s okay. It’s been a wonderful lesson for me in my control issues and a reminder of the power of surrendering to Him. He knows what’s best. He knows. And I know that He has a plan for me, regardless of my health. There has to be another plan in place, right? I hope so!!!

All I know is that I am meant to help people. and I will do that until my dying breath. I will keep fighting and trying and praying to be strong and to power through my health battles. Though it’s not easy, and admitting that tastes like vinegar, I still know it needs to be done.

So, at the end of January, I will no longer be at St. Joe’s Plaza (which I loved and would highly recommend for anyone looking for a place to rent for office space), instead I will be operating out of my home and offering huge discounts!! I am excited (and still emotional) about this, and I am looking forward to the opportunity that this move will bring me.

In the meantime, I will be selling off items that I don’t have room for, so keep your eyes peeled! I have lots of stuff that is adorable and relatively new!! Hopefully, my stuff can go to a new home with new plans and new memories.

Every time God has interrupted my plans, they have always worked out better than I could have ever imagined and I am choosing to believe that this move will have the same outcome.

Stay tuned for next month’s blog to see how this goes!!

Happy Trails,

Em