37

Another year has come and gone. Another birthday cake. Another day full of wonderful wishes.

But this one…37…this birthday…was somehow different.

Let me explain…

Ever since my mom died, I quit celebrating my birthday. I would just let the day come and go, like any other day. Sure, I would get the birthday wishes from people, but I didn’t personally care about the day. It was just too sad for me still to do it without my mama.

You see, my mom did everything BIG and FABULOUS!!!! The girl knew how to throw a party!! She knew how to make any moment special and turn it into a lifelong memory.

I have so many memories of wonderful birthdays with her. So many parties she planned, the cards she wrote, and her amazing way of making you feel like the most important person in the world. She was so full of magic.

So, not having that presence in my life anymore took out all the joy of my birthday for me.

And I know that’s not fair because there are so many people here on earth who love me and would throw me a birthday party. I know that. But it’s still how I felt about it. It’s hard to explain what it’s like living in a world without your mother, unless you are someone who is living in the world without their mother. It changes everything.

A mother is the only person in the world that loves you in that way. The way that I love my son. I am the only one in the world who can love him the way I do, and my mother was the only person in the world who could love me like that, too. But that’s gone now and there will forever be a void within me.

Even though it’s been 3 years, the pain of her being gone has never faded. I have struggled immensely from losing my mom and it has affected my entire life.

I wish more than anything that I was someone who could just suck it up, put on a brave face, and pretend that it’s all okay. Something that I see so many other people do so well….fake it to make it.

I just simply can’t do it, though. I struggle with fakeness. I’m just too blunt and emotional to be like that. If I’m feeling something, you’ll know it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and that’s just the way it is.

I honestly don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing, but I do know that my brain couldn’t keep track of the things that I’d be trying to fake. My ADHD is too bad. hehehe

So, it’s easier for me to feel all the feelings and find a way through them.

For the past 3 years, I have been trying to navigate through so many feelings; grief, regret, fear, etc. And it’s been hard.

I didn’t want to fake being happy on my previous birthdays. I didn’t want to celebrate it because I was still grieving the loss of never having another birthday with my mom ever again. It’s just the weirdest thing to describe.

I know people say to move on and live your life because that’s what my mom would want, but that’s just not how it has worked for me. I need to process things on my own time and in my own way, and apparently that process took 3 years.

Because today is my 37th birthday, and for the first time in YEARS I celebrated!!! I got all dressed up in pink, put on my actual crown, and had the best day ever.

I woke up to an overwhelming amount of texts and messages on social media, and I cried. I felt so unbelievably loved. The outpouring of love and well wishes was completely humbling and truly magic for my soul.

Sometimes people think that little messages don’t matter, but they do. Every single message to me today mattered. A lot.

I saw people I loved, ate amazing food, and then went to see my mom.

I just had to go see my mom today to tell her how everything has changed this year. The year of 37.

“Mom, I celebrated my birthday today!” I said to her headstone as I placed my crown on top of it. The sun was reflecting off all the millions of rhinestones creating such a beautiful scene. I smiled to myself thinking about how my mom must be laughing looking down on me with my hot pink tulle dress and gigantic crown that I just had lying around my house. I then died laughing when I thought about the time I wore a feather boa while working cows when I was little.

My mom fought and fought with me that I could not bring “that damn boa” to a branding, so I snuck it under my shirt, waited until we were too far from the house to turn around, and then pulled it out.

I literally think she wanted to murder me in that moment.

(tears of laughter are rolling down my face as I’m writing this…this is such a precious memory for me now)

Oh man, I gave my mama a run for her money. I can still hear her say “you little shit!”

I sat and talked with my mom while sun began to set and this overwhelming sense of peace came over me. I knew she was there. She was with me. She was happy. I was happy….on my birthday…finally.

It was important for me to go see her today, because last year on this day, I also went to her grave but I sat there and cried. For hours. I felt so alone. I felt so empty. I felt just all-consuming sadness. I laid there on the ground and just cried.

But this year, the year of 37, I didn’t cry. I smiled. I laughed out loud while sitting there talking to her. And I reminisced on those ridiculous memories of all my shenanigans.

What’s the funniest part of this though, is that I GET MY SHENANIGANS FROM HER!!!!!!!!!!!! She did crazy weird stuff all the time….and I literally used to think that my mom and I were “nothing alike”……..*facepalm*

Seriously. I used to think that. And I can’t stop laughing at it now.

After my talk with my mom, I decided that I needed to take my crown to the badlands. So, I hopped in my pickup and headed towards the Theodore Roosevelt National Park: one of my favorite places in the world. I hiked in my favorites spots but this time I did it with rhinestone boots on….literally. I videoed it for proof. hehe

I did a fun little photo shoot in the badlands in my whole birthday getup - crown and all - and had an absolute blast.

Now, this may sound absolutely ridiculous to you normal folks, but I am not normal. Normal things don’t light my soul on fire. Dance parties during hikes and photo shoots on a mountain do. And since my last few birthdays were so sad, this year I decided that I was going to do whatever I wanted to do, and I’m so glad I did. Because the pictures are epic.

As I’m getting ready for bed and reminiscing on the day, tears began to fall. (this should be no surprise to anyone…I’m very emotional…hehe)

What an incredible day. How lucky am I to be where I’m at, surrounded by the people that I am, and to be healthier than I’ve been in a long time.

Even though it took me a few years to see the beauty in my birthday since mom left, I’m so grateful that I got to see it and feel it today. I felt nothing but love, support, and true happiness today.

The reason I decided to share all of this today for my birthday post is for anyone else out there who maybe feels like they are stuck in their grief or it’s taking longer than expected, that it’s going to be okay. There will be light again. There will be joy again. There will be happiness again. The storm will eventually pass. But don’t punish yourself if it’s taking you longer than others to get through something. We all grieve differently and you are allowed to do that however you need to.

I needed these past 3 years to be sad. I needed to grieve in my own way. So when it came time for me to celebrate again, I could do it big and with bling, and truly mean it!

And that’s what today was. It big. It was blingy. And the whole day was magic.

So, take the time you need to grieve, but once the darkness fades, don’t be afraid to celebrate everything BIG and with BLING….and maybe go do a ridiculous photoshoot in the badlands just for the helluvit.

Happy Trails,

Em