Finding Perspective…Again

As I sit here and write this, I'm watching the sun rise over the Grand Canyon while my little boy carves his initials into the rock next to me. (Don’t worry, it’s not vandalism. There’s a spot designated for it with hundreds of other signatures.) To try to describe this place and all her beauty with words, would do it injustice, so I won't.

All I can tell you is that when we first saw it…when we got our first glimpse…my 7 year old little boy burst in the tears.

Not a word was spoken, but I knew exactly why he was crying so intensely. It truly is one of the most breathtaking views of our time. You simply can’t explain it. You can't explain what it's like to be here.

In honor of my beautiful mama, our family planned a vacation down to Arizona, and Theodore and I decided to make a road trip out of it on the way there. I have been needing some away time to refocus and reset and this trip did the trick! I will have to blog about our entire trip another time because this post now is just pouring out of me here as I’m sitting at the South Rim of the Grand Canyon, on the last day of our road trip before we head back home.

Hiking in the Grand Canyon has been on my “bucket” list ever since I got into hiking, and today I got to cross it off the list.

PS. It’s not a real bucket list, like I’m dying or anything, it’s just a list of things I’ve always been too scared to do before my mom died and now I’m doing them. I’m still scared, don’t get me wrong, but I’m doing them.

Being here so early in the morning, without any strangers around me, was absolutely worth the hike and getting up at 4am. The air is cool and crisp, surprisingly cool enough to need long sleeves. I mention this because during midday it’s been 105 degrees. I asked the concierge at my hotel when was the best time to see the Grand Canyon and he said first thing in the morning because not a lot of people will be up then plus it’s much cooler. Thank God he gave me that tip and I was prepared. He was right. It was cooler than I would have expected and I was grateful that I had just purchased an adorable hoodie at the last gift shop we visited.

I’m just sitting here in silence while on top of this gigantic rock that’s protruding out of mother earth like an entire force of nature. The birds are singing beautiful songs to wake up the canyon and the wind is making all the trees dance. The vastness of this place is indescribable and pictures do not do it justice. You can see for miles, in every direction. It’s hard for the mind to comprehend how deep and wide the Grand Canyon really is. My hands are trembling as I’m writing this because I’m literally up on a rock in the middle of the air with nothing but straight down cliffs all around me…and I make the mistake of looking down.

My son warned me over and over, “Mom, don’t look down!”

And what do I do? Look down. *face palm*

My body froze. My fingers could no longer type. As I was trying to resituate myself, I kicked a rock off and watched it fall down into the ravine below me. I watched that rock fall for what seemed like an eternity into a dark pit of never-endingness.

In that moment, I knew I had to get down from that humongous death trap and get back to safety before I could finish this post. So, I slowly and carefully crawled my way back over the ledge to safer ground. I sat down on a nearby bench to keep writing while my son peacefully took a nap after he told me this was his favorite day.

While I could still “look down” from where I was sitting on the park bench, there was a railing separating me from ever getting too close again. It still makes my neck shiver when I think about how far down that drop goes. I can still hear that rock falling into nothing. Eerie.

It’s just…Bone Chilling.

Sidenote: You guys…people hike this bitch!! And she’s literally a straight drop down!!!

Again…such an incredible sight to see and experience.

Anyways, while I was looking down at all the deep crevices and ravines that were below me, I still couldn’t get over all the beauty amongst the hardships. And a life lesson smacked me in the face.

You see recently I have been pretty focused on all the deep crevices and ravines in my life. So focused, in fact, that I have completely been missing out on all the beauty of my life.

Let me explain.

The past few months my lupus has been progressively getting worse and causing more problems for me. It’s moved onto attacking organs now, like my lungs, during a flare up making it extremely difficult to breathe. It’s been an effing nightmare, to be completely honest, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Yes, I’m still a huge fan of the G-man up above and trust in His plan, but I’m also human and I get scared. Lupus is not for the faint of heart and I pray every day to be in remission. It just affects so much of my life it gets hard to live with sometimes.

Recently, I’ve had a change in my meds and it kinda screwed with my head a little bit. I was struggling so bad and every day was getting harder and harder. I noticed that my intrusive thoughts were winning the fight and I wasn’t even aware that I was in a battle. Thankfully, I got my meds reevaluated and I’m FINALLY feeling like myself again. It’s kind of scary how much meds can affect your brain chemistry.

Ugg….and this is mental health. It’s just an annoying cluster-eff of shenanigans and I’m here to be a reminder of that. Some days are good, and some days are equivalent to stepping on a 1000 legos.

Sometimes I don’t do as good of a job as I wish I could at battling my mental health but I can tell you that I show up and fight every day. It’s just sometimes, the fight looks different.

While I do get embarrassed about my struggles, I do know that every time I post something real or raw, I have people reaching out to me sharing their personal stories in an attempt to share, bond, heal, and help. I’m noticing that I’m creating a space for people to share their truth without fear of judgement. Once they get it off their chest, it’s almost therapeutic, and they can move on. At least that’s what several of my wellness clients, along with many other strangers online, have told me. So, it’s hard for me to focus on my bruised ego being embarrassed that I struggle, when my spirit truly feels alive knowing that I’m helping people.

This little realization brought me back to my metaphorical bitch slap of a life lesson; stop sitting in your misery and missing out on the beauty of life. What I mean by this is if you sit in your own shit for too long, eventually it’ll stop stinking to you. You’ll get comfortable there. And never make your life any better because you’ve completely forgotten that you’re sitting in shit.

This translates too…I could bitch about how shitty Lupus Linda is all day long. I could. She’s a real pain in the ass and no one likes her. And she definitely can’t sit with us.

Just like Theodore and I could both bitch about how miserable that hike was to come back OUT of the Grand Canyon after we got to see the incredible views.

Sure. I could do that. I could piss and moan like crazy.

Kinda like I have been doing lately with my lupus, to be honest (and that tastes like vinegar coming out of my stubborn mouth). I hate to admit when I’ve been wrong or when I have growing up to do, but I’m reminded that’s part of the healing journey. The goal is to know better so I can do better. So here I am, facing the music with myself while hopefully also resonating with some quiet stranger out there who has a similar story to mine.

In order to do better, or to stop sitting in my shit, I needed to start “seeing the beauty” in everyday life and there was no better time to start than while hiking in the Grand Canyon with my son. Again, while we both could complain about that bitch of a hike, we decided to focus on the views we saw and all of God’s creations. We talked the entire way back, while dripping in sweat, about how if we didn’t make the hike, we would’ve never seen those spectacular canyon views and we wouldn’t have been able to carve our names in a secret spot.

Just like if I don’t figure out how to still enjoy my life while battling this miserable disease, I’m going to miss out on so many good things.

And I have so many good things in my life.

For example, I finally summoned the courage to hire a real book editor and am currently working with a team to get my book officially published and sold through Amazon!!! This has been a dream of mine since I wrote my book but the fear of rejection always stopped me.

I was too afraid of putting my book (and myself) out there on a global level because then that opens the door for criticism. What if they hate it? What if my story sucks and no one likes it? OMG….so many what ifs…..

But then it hit me again…..what if I wouldn’t have done that Grand Canyon hike that led me to my new mental state of mind? I could’ve turned around when it got hard or I got too scared. I could’ve quit. But I didn’t. Because something in my soul told me the end of this hike will be worth it.

And I’m getting the same vibe in my soul again when I think about getting my book published on Amazon. The end of this “hike” will be worth it!! Keep on keepin’ on!! Besides…what if my book ends up helping someone?!?! Then it’s all worth it.

While sometimes I feel like a fraud talking about the importance of mental health, when I struggle with mine so much, but I’m learning that that might be the point of my journey; to normalize the struggle.

To show what life is really like for those of us too tired to pretend anymore and who were never a fan of the whole “Leave it to Beaver” bullshit. To show that the struggle is normal, and can be beautiful too. Just like the hike in the Grand Canyon. I am learning that my journey is beautiful, even in the mess, and I need to start seeing the beauty more.

Just like I found perspective in New York City, which is what my book is about (titled “Finding Perspective through 9/11”), I found it again at the Grand Canyon. And man is it a powerful thing.

If you find yourself in the slums of life, I encourage you to go find some perspective for yourself. If you don’t know where to start, in a week or so, my book will be available on Amazon and you can start there!

Happy Trails,

Em