A Birthday Letter Instead

It’s been 3 years now where we celebrate your birthday mama without you here. In the previous years, I’ve written a poem to document this occasion, but that isn’t how it’s coming out this year. I’m doing a birthday letter instead.

This year, I’d like to talk to you about all the things I’ve learned so far, since losing you:

The most shocking thing that I learned from losing you was the reality of time, and how we don’t have very much of it. Before I lost you, I honestly never really thought of it. I was just effing around with life because I just felt like I had all the time in the world. And then cancer came, and with the snap of a finger all that was left of you was a headstone. It still doesn’t seem real.

Another thing I’ve learned is how incredibly impressive it was that you rebuilt yourself after your divorce with a new career, after being a stay at home mom for like a million years, and being wildly successful at it. In only a few years time. Like……WTF, Mom.

However, if anyone was a hustler, it was my mama.

It’s hard not to compare myself to her. I’m going on almost 6 years of being divorced, and sometimes I feel more lost than ever. I have days where I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing with my life or what I want to be doing with my life. And I get very frustrated by that because I’m almost 37….like, again…I’m running out of time. So, it’s impressive to look back on what you did with your life, Mama.

I’ve also learned to work on letting things go. I watched you carry a lot of anger with you and I have a natural instinct to do that as well, but I’m learning that you CAN heal it, and truly start letting sh*t go. So, I’ve begun working on that, and in doing so, have unexpectedly found forgiveness in a lot of situations. I didn’t see that coming. Granted, I’ll always have that fire inside, Mama. I’m always ready to rock if someone decides to roll. I’ve just learned to tame the flames instead of letting them burn everything to the ground.

I hate admitting this one but I’m always reminded of how much I took you for granted in regards to how much effort you put into planning parties. The way you orchestrated parties and planned every single annoying detail, down to the straws, got so overwhelming over time. I used to complain about how many parties we were having and the decorating and cleaning and then decorating again. I look back on that now and feel so much shame. How incredibly lucky am I that I had a mother who did that? Who took the time to plan those parties so we would have those memories, long after she was gone. Shame on me for ever complaining about that. I’m so sorry I did that, Mama. What I would give to have just one more of your ultimate parties…

PS. Have you ever tried to plan a freaking party? IT’S EXHAUSTING!!!!! Talk about a walking panic attack pretending to be a “good time”.

You guys, I never had to plan parties. My mother did EVERYTHING. I’m not joking. She planned every detail of my wedding because I couldn’t handle the stress. She literally planned everything and I never had to, so I never did. The first time I planned a real party was after her death and it was dog water. #notafan

So, that’s a no for me, dawg.

Side note, thank you to all the party planners out there!! I appreciate you…because I literally cannot do it.

After paging through some of your old journals and reading your entries on being lonely, I learned to make more of an effort to work on that myself. I know the feeling of being lonely, all too well. And I’ve finally learned that it can be a dangerous drug. Cabin Fever is real and I am someone who feels it! Since I moved my business into my home, I have found myself getting quite lonely. Granted, I absolutely am LOVING having MCA at home! I get to rest when I need to, and since I’ve made the move, I haven’t had any visits to the hospital for my lupus! This is a HUGE win for me! So, MCA being at home is wonderful. However, I just noticed myself feeling cooped up being at home so much.

I mean I was never leaving my house….like, ever.

I realized that I needed to do something to get me out of the house, so I started bartending and I absolutely love it. It allows me to socialize but instead of spending money, I get to make it! And, have a ton of fun in the meantime.

I was nervous about the idea of bartending at first, Mom, I really was. As we both know, I’ve had my own past issues with alcohol. One of the last conversations I had with you when you were alive was when I told you I got a DUI. Man…that sucked. Ugh.

Anyway, we both have seen my struggle with it. But, this is why I advocate for mental health and therapy so much, because it took that DUI for me to look at my issues and see what was going on. I learned that I wasn’t addicted to alcohol where I craved it. I liked that alcohol numbed me. I was in a lot of pain that I couldn’t process and whiskey made that pain go away, so I got very used to numbing that pain. Until that started causing problems and then I got sick and tired of my own bullshit and decided that I needed to get my shit together.

Since then, I’ve never had an issue with alcohol again. And I don’t miss those nights; I don’t miss the hangovers, the money spent, and the bad decisions I’d make. Granted, I still love going out and I’ll have a drink or two and have my fun, but I won’t drink whiskey again or allow myself to ever get blackout drunk again. Someday I may even quit all together again. If it ever became a problem for me again, I’d quit again in a heartbeat. Learning to heal my sh*t in therapy and figure out what was really causing me to drink so much was life changing though. I really had to put in work to heal things that were hurting me and holding me back and I had no idea. It took a long time, and a lot of tears, but it worked. Working through the hard stuff, saying it out loud, and putting in the work to heal it has changed my life. It’s allowed me to get out of “fight or flight” mode and start enjoying life without the need to be wasted.

Because of all those lessons, they’ve prepared me for this divine intervention of a bartending job. I get to socialize and meet so many new, amazing people, while NOT spending any money! I get to be a part of everyone’s fun night but still go home sober and not wake up hungover the next day. With my lupus, my hangovers would last for at least 4 days and I thought I was dying on several occasions.

Now, I love getting to watch everyone cut loose and have a good time but I’m happy that I’m no longer feeling like I'm missing out. Because I’m not. I’m just on a different side of the bar….and it’s awesome…and I definitely don’t feel lonely anymore.

Finally, I’ve learned that I should’ve appreciated our family gatherings so much more than I did while you were here. I’d huff and puff while driving to ANOTHER sunday dinner that you planned, and completely take it all for granted. I see that now. I’ve learned that hard lesson. I was reminded of you over the weekend because of this. All of us kids spent Easter together this year and it was wonderful. Our kids all have their own special bonds, even though their ages vary. Theodore grows in confidence every second he spends with his cousins and those lessons can’t be bought. I could feel you there the entire time. When we were all gathered around eating and laughing through dinner, I thought of you and how this was all you ever wanted. I was happy that we were doing it, and I was incredibly aware of the hard work you put in for it to happen.

We’re doing it, mama. We’re doing it. We are raising our babies, the best way we know how, and we are trying to keep up with family dinners. Thank you for teaching us that.

I’ve learned so many things since you’ve passed, mama, and I’m sure I’ll continue to do so. I’m surprised by how much I’ve learned about grief, especially the amount of guilt that can come from it. I’ve had to work on things that I didn’t even know were things until they became loud, unmanageable things that needed to be addressed. I’m so grateful that I’ve learned to truly feel my feelings instead of suppressing them so they heal quicker. Not being able to lean on alcohol helped me learn this lesson real quick! But now, it’s like feel it and heal it, baby, we’ve got work to do!

Every year that passes without you here, you’d think it would get easier. It doesn’t. Sometimes it hurts even worse because I feel further and further away from you, and the last time I saw you. However, I made a promise to force myself to keep learning things through your death, and that’s what I’m doing. And it helps.

I know I have a lot more to learn, Mama, but for now, I’m so grateful for the things that I’ve learned so far. Thank you for teaching me all the things you did. You were the best mom.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Mama. I love you more than all the stars in the sky.

Your Baby