Hear Me Out

Men are the fucking worst.

Seriously.

I know I know. Not all men…You know a great man, I know a great man, of course great men are out there…blah blah blah.

I am not talking about those men. Ok? So, moving forward when I talk about men in general throughout this post, I am only talking about certain men…I am talking about the incredibly stupid and shitty, shitty, shitty men who do shitty things to people and just create a whole shit storm of a mess. THOSE MEN are the fucking worst, quite frankly, and I just need to unleash for a minute.

Buckle up, buttercup. This is very much an ADHD rage burst rant about my frustrations of being single in this day and age and what it’s really fucking like out here. My hopes with this post are first and foremost to give you all a giggle. Dating in your late 30s is rough, yet hilarious at the same time, and I hope some of you out there resonate with this inappropriate outburst of my intrusive thoughts. I hope someone reads this and smiles inside, because she knows exactly what I’m talking about and feels my rage.

So, I’m just going to vent and say all the things you’re not supposed to say, that I NEED to say, or I might explode.

Here we go…

First off…dick pics…these are a thing now. For real. Men will just randomly send you a picture of their dick and expect you to respond as if you’re seeing Jesus Christ in the flesh for the first time. Honestly, they will send you that picture, without you asking for it, and then question you about it.

Him: “So….what do you think? Huh?” Followed by some dumbass emoji.

Me: *screenshots it*

Him:……

Him:….”Hey, what the fuck?!”

Turns out they don’t like it when you screenshot it. But I do. Every time. And just for funzies, I send it back to them randomly, whenever I feel like it. Like on a Tuesday afternoon, I’d send them those pictures (of themselves) and every time they would respond as if they were totally grossed out…by THEIR OWN DICK PIC!

Thus, proving my point every time of why do you send those pictures when even YOU find your own dick pic gross?! Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Like, stop….for real.

I mean, I could maybe see if it was a prize winning hog you had hanging there, but let’s be real…it never is.

So, seriously…stop. No one loves it as much as you do, big fella, so just put it away and keep it to yourself.

Also, the amount of wounded men out here is astonishing. Just bleeding all over everyone because they can’t express themselves. It’s so bizarre to me. I can’t really understand that. I have huge emotions and I express mine all the time. I literally have to or I feel like I’m dying inside. I get itchy. People don’t understand. So, to NOT be able to express that is so confusing and unnatural to me, I really don’t understand why it’s so hard for them to do.

Then again, I am reminded of when I was growing up, it definitely was during the time of “boys don’t cry”. Boys were never allowed to have emotions growing up I guess so maybe they’ve just internalized them all, but that’s the part I don’t understand.

Don’t you think that men are really secretly just too full of emotions that they don’t know what to do with them? They’ve just been told to shut down, disassociate, and “rub some dirt in it” for so long that they’ve just shoved them all deep down inside. Until it explodes one day in a fit of rage? Does anyone ever think that? Or are they really just dumb ogres wandering around literally feeling nothing? Obviously I’m just thinking out loud here.

I really do try to see things from their perspective sometimes. In doing so, I can at least understand where they’re coming from, even if I don’t agree. But dammit if they don’t make it f*cking impossible to see things from their perspective sometimes without needing to go full on stupid in order to so.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve had to dumb myself down or act like I didn’t know more about a subject that some dude was talking about just so his fragile, unstable ego wouldn’t flip the f*ck out. I also couldn’t tell you how many other women I know that have had to do the same thing over and over and over, as well. This is common. And it’s annoying as fuck.

For example, I was on a date with a guy who was telling me about his “new” favorite song, “Fast Car” by Luke Combs. I instantly corrected him (I’m annoying like that) because as we all know, Tracy Chapman wrote that song and performed it first, many years ago. Idiot.

He deadass looked at me and told me I was wrong.

I absolutely knew that I was right, without a doubt, but it was not even worth the argument now because of how unintelligent he was.

So, while he was attempting to argue with me, I just looked at him and kept my mouth shut. While he was talking, I just kept thinking over and over to myself that he is literally arguing about something that can be googled in a second. How incredibly stupid and embarrassed is he going to feel later on when he discovers this? The secondhand embarrassment alone was too much for me. However, it is very possible that he is literally too stupid to ever learn this truth of the original “Fast Car” singer. #godspeedbigdog

Oh, and the conversations. The conversations with men in the dating pool is the most nail-on-the-chalkboard thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life.

Let me give you a real example of a conversation with someone I met a few months ago:

Him: wyd

Me: What?

Him: wat u doin

Me: Ummmm….trying to read your poor grammar (again…I’m aware that I’m annoying)

Him: oh sorry

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Just folding laundry actually. Adulting. What are you up to?

Him: Nada….I just need to no somethin

Me: ? (beyond annoyed with his incorrect sentence again)

Him: How big are they?

………………………….

I mean…for a minute there I thought I was talking to my future husband, you guys!! hehehehe

But seriously, this is what it’s like. I’m out here teaching f*cking grammar to these idiots while they are asking me for my bra size 3 sentences into ever speaking.

Can you imagine that? THAT being on your mind when you first meet a man? Like, “Oh hey John, It’s nice to meet you. What size briefs do you wear?”

What in the actual fuck?!

It’s so cringy, I just can’t even.

Also, when men ask women what bra size they are, like they even know what the sizes mean. Come on. I could honestly tell a man that my bra size is 24 HBO and they’d be like, “Yeah, big…I knew it.”

Again, what in the actual fuck?! They are just so caveman-ish still and it’s like, when do they plan on evolving? Is that ever gonna happen or nah…….????

Were our grandparents like this? I just can’t see that. I don’t think they were. I think that men have gotten dumber and weaker over time, and now they are out here just bumping into walls and hiding their feelings in their muscles.

Ohhhhhh…ADHD rant...one time on a date, I asked a guy if he had a 5 year plan. He said no but then told me he has the biggest biceps he’s ever had before and asked me to feel them. So there’s that.

We may be homeless but my baby’s got huge muscles. #winning #whatagirlwants

Back to my point, I just don’t see my grandpa doing that. My grandpa was cool back in the day and he was smooth. Plus, he drove a really, really cool car. My grandma was still smitten with him when they’d talk about how they met, and she would always mention the car.

You cannot tell me that we are dealing with the same type of men here. You just can’t.

Men out here are sending “u up” texts at 2am when they can’t sleep, or run from their emotions anymore. They whine and complain that they want a wife, but no they don’t. Go on a few dates, and you will quickly learn that they are really looking for a therapist and a mommy.

It’s so fucking stupid out here.

And I can’t do it. I just can’t. Might be time to look into marrying my bestie…

Another example for you…if you scroll through instagram, you’ll see accounts of dudes just posting reels of themselves with stuff like where’s my wife, where are all the good girls at, etc. But it’s just them filming themselves flipping their hats backwards and licking their lips, or standing by their trucks opening and shutting doors over and over. It’s so fucking weird. Like, what are you doing? It just screams desperation to me and I can’t ever see a “real man” (or my version of that anyway) doing that in my life.

Can you imagine?! Oh my God I’m dying laughing right now……

Can you imagine if I brought a guy home to my family, to my dad, and told them that he makes reels on instagram of himself for a living?!?!??!!? As he like, pulls out his phone to show my dad his most popular reels….???

I’m laughing so hard I can barely breathe. I’m going to pee my pants. That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever imagined in my life.

Oh my goodness I needed that laugh. It’s so dumb out here you feel like you’re losing your mind, so a giggle always helps.

Ugh…wow. I feel better. Sometimes you just gotta get that shit off your chest, you know?

Again, please remember to take this with a grain of salt! Of course I know not all men are like this. But I bet all of you have MET a man like the ones I mentioned…that’s all I’m saying. Besides, as much as I hate these dumbass men, I still want one…which is the most annoying thing ever. #WTF

My blog is only meant to make you laugh at real life. So, stay tuned for more dating escapades that I hope will keep making you laugh along with me on my way to prince charming.

Happy Trails,

Em